Twenty-two years and counting…
Shatter this world encased in fragility
Save that desperate life struggling to survive
Mimic a rose’s thorn, but inflict no harm
And I shall patiently wait - wait til the sun kisses the moon
and the ocean bleeds eternity…
I forget your name
I forget your face
I forget your laughter
I forget your voice
Remind me why we’ve grown apart
Remind me why silence has consumed the faint whispers of our hearts…
Chocolate mousse cake I bought at Whole Foods for my parents’ wedding anniversary…
To the world, I am nothing.
To my family, I am something.
But am I everything
to you..?
I’d rather you not talk
I’d rather you not sigh
I’d rather you not smile
We are better this way
Every day…
When will the ice thaw?
When will the cold dissipate?
When will the season change to end what is nonexistent?
I say tomorrow
I say today
I say perhaps not in this lifetime
My heart is frozen; my heart is numb
When will I ever be able to feel again?
Sing to me, my loved one
And let me strike the chord closest to your heart
Do not hesitate, fill my ears with wonderful music
My fingers shall dance with your captivating voice
Sing to me, my dearest one
Only for you do I craft these words
And marry inspiration and longing to create
A record of love
When I was five, I thought hell existed right beneath our house, and that a staircase to heaven was hidden behind the clouds. Once I started studying science in grade school, however, I realized that such was not the case: hot, molten rock existed beneath the earth’s crust, and a vacuum outer space stretched beyond the visible sky. Still, I thought perhaps Satan and his demons hung out somewhere in the earth’s mantle, and that God lived on the sun or one of the planets in the solar system. ‘twas the only way I could resolve the unprecedented conflict in my beliefs, and though the idea seemed so obscure and foolish, it was successful enough to convince me for years.
When I entered high school, I realized that God never lived on the sun, and that Satan never hung out with his demon friends in the mantle. I still believed they existed, but only somewhere else (outside the universe, for instance). I also started to think that both heaven and hell could only be states of mind, a view that most devout Filipino Catholics would probably find appalling. And so, I was never really open to anyone about my religious beliefs. I kept them to myself, and oftentimes, felt different and alienated from my friends. I didn’t mind it though; I thought it wasn’t much of a big deal until my entire family moved to New York.
My faith was put to test when we moved to this city - the cultural melting pot of the world, as most people describe it. Almost suddenly, the notion of God and religion became less relevant in my life - perhaps because I did not feel any pressure from anyone to strictly observe Catholic teachings and tradition, or perhaps because I just allowed myself to assimilate into a culture that commodified religion per se.
Whatever the real reason might be, I do not deny that my beliefs have drastically changed since I left the Philippines. I still identify myself as a Catholic, but at the same time, I have my own reservations about religion and its validity. Indeed, I am still struggling to find the right answers to questions that test my faith, like religion’s utility for instance, or God’s real form and extent of power.
Disturbingly ironic as it may seem (since I study at a Catholic university), I still feel the need to ask such philosophical questions. Who knows if I’ll ever find the answers? Who knows if I’m just completely wrong about what my current beliefs? I just have to keep on asking, hoping that one day, someone would be able to shed light on these concerns.
You make me hate myself.
You make me despise these feelings.
You make me wallow in utter sadness.
You make me suffer in confusion and uncertainty.
You make me realize that love is not a many splendid thing…
I do not want this.
I do not want it.
I do not want to feel this.
I do not want to feel it.
But how could I not want this?
How could I not want to feel it?
When you’re always there?
When you’re always there?
When you’re always there?
You’re always there.
You’re always there.
You’re always…
There.
And I am here.
I am here.
Just here.
Here.
And I am here.
I am here.
You are there.
And your presence grows…
Grows…
Just grows…
Your smile and your face and your presence and your all grow…
In my heart,
it painfully grows
